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A brand new Mercedes Convertible

There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and he enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought, and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man, and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 120-mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing," and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him. The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said looking at his watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding...

Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI. Officer: Can I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: Oh, it's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: Yeah. Oh, but come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove compartment when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: You have a gun in there? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the lady who owns the car. She's in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the trunk?!? The officer tells the man to hold on, backs off carefully, and calls for backup. Quickly, the car is surrounded by police, and the captain approaches the driver to handle the situation. Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure, Officer. Captain: Hmm, this license is just fine. Whose car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. Captain: Could you slowly open the glove compartment, please, so I can see if there's a gun in there? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. He opens it, and sure enough, there's no gun. Captain: Would you mind if we opened the trunk? I was told you said there's a body in there. Driver: No problem. The trunk is opened, nothing in there but a spare tire. Captain: The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove compartment, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!

Accident Insurance Reasons

• Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. • I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it. • I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. • The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law and headed over the embankment. • In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole. • I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. • I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. • I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. • As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. • To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian. • My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle. • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. • I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. • The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him. • I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car. • The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. • I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. • The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

Automotive Philosophy

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. -- Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner. -- Anthony's Law of the Workshop The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. -- Ehrlich If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. -- Lowery's Law There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. -- William's Law It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. -- Stewart's Law of Retroaction

Blonde Paint Job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to offer to do jobs for her neighbours. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you could paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize the porch goes all the around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and i had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Fun Things To Do While Driving

•Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged. •Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang. •Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling. •Two words: Chicken suit. •Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better. •Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver. •Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot. •Stop at the green lights. •Go at the red ones. •Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance. •Eat food that requires silverware. •Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive. •At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors. •Honk frequently without motivation. •Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture. •At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon. •Let pedestrians know who's boss. •Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look. •Restart your car at every stop light. •Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly. •Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window. •Keep at least five cats in the car. •Squeegee your windshield at every stop. •If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass! •Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse. •Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone. •Stop and collect roadkill. •Stop and pray for roadkill. •Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Tennessee.) •Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse. •Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to... a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. •Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit. •Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!" •Sing without having the radio on. •At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...

How To Identify A Driver's Home

• One hand on wheel, • One hand on horn: New York • One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago • One hand on wheel, • One hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston • One hand on wheel, • One hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California* *with gun in lap: L.A. • Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. • Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy • One hand on Latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle • One hand on wheel, • One hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male • One hand on wheel, • One hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male • One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, • One hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female • Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado • One hand on steering, yelling obscenities, the other hand a waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates.

New Taxi Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

Speeding Grandpa

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997, Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1997 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost $500,000. "That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my 7?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy." "How could a moped outrun an RX-7?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and darn, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

The Mechanic

A mechanic was removing cylinder heads from a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon in his shop who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor, please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively. "So doctor, look at this, I also open hearts, take valves out, grind'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work?" The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic "Try to do it when the engine is running."

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